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ready.gov

An alternative explanation of the new US government “ready.gov” site. Go read, it’s funny! LOL!


If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.


If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.


If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.


If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.


Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!


The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand.


Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the f**k away.


Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.


Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.


If a door is closed, karate chop it open.


If your building collapses, give yourself a bl*wj*b while waiting to be rescued.


Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile.


After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.


If you’ve become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that s**t.


If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.


If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.


If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.


If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.


Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.


A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.


Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least you’ll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die.

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By Donncha

Donncha Ó Caoimh is a software developer at Automattic and WordPress plugin developer. He posts photos at In Photos and can also be found on Google+ and Twitter.

3 replies on “ready.gov”

If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.

Dont worry we can replace the lenses for you

[…] Ready.gov parodies. When the White House came out with Ready.gov, everyone and their brother made fun of those bizarre little infographics. This was in early 2003, right around the time that everyone started to suspect that the color-coded terror alerts were full of shit, and it’s probably the first time in history that a government website was mocked so hard that they had to revamp it just a short time later. Although some parody sites were put out that skewered the entire website, they were never quite as funny as the random spoofs that got posted on bulletin boards and forums. Sadly, many of those discussion threads have gone to the great Internet trashcan in the sky, so the truly funniest stuff is now lost forever. But here’s an example of that sort of amusement. […]

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